Leave It Behind > Brian Bailey

Raising boys

Tony Woodlief is a terrific writer and blogger who I've read off and on for years. He writes many excellent posts on fatherhood and raising boys, two things I think about a lot. We crossed paths a couple of years ago when we nearly participated in a book featuring many different bloggers, a project that never saw the light of day.

Last weekend, I was reading my treasured copy of the weekend Wall Street Journal when I came across a piece that sounded vaguely familiar. The theme and writing style struck a chord and I skimmed to the end to see who wrote this interesting article — none other than Tony Woodlief!

Wow — a Father's Day essay in the Wall Street Journal! You can read it online. Of course, it's excellent and well worth the read. The only thing missing was a quote from one of the best movies of all time, Say Anything: "The world is full of guys. Be a man. Don't be a guy." I'm thinking of having this printed on a t-shirt for Ben.

If you don't already read his blog, Sand in the Gears, be sure to check it out. Congratulations, Tony!

The Boy of Summer

We wanted the start of the summer to be a wonderful time for Ben, partly to celebrate his new life as a 6th grader and also to recognize all of his hard work during elementary school. More important than the grades, of course, is who he is — his kindness, respect for everyone, and simple genuineness.

There is a constant battle at this age between maturity and innocence. On the one hand, some kids are exploring music and carrying iPods, starting to flirt, wear certain clothes, and resist the embarrassing affections of their parents. Other kids are still reveling in the wonders of childhood - filled with imagination and the joy of playing, largely oblivious to what others think, and still very attached to the comfort and love of their family.

Sometimes it's tempting to nudge your child along as you see their friends run toward the teenage life (these children almost always have older siblings, by the way). I've had that instinct, but thankfully Lori has taught me love and treasure every moment of Ben's complete sweetness and innocence, and the fact that he'll still hold my hand when we're walking through a crowd.

Here's some fun ideas for indulgent summer fun that Ben is having a blast with...

The Dangerous Book for Boys. This book is already a huge best seller and deservedly so. It was originally published in Britain where it became a big hit. They customized it a bit for the American audience and Amazon has had trouble keeping it in stock.

Essentially, it's a guidebook for everything a young boy should know.  Everything from making paper airplanes (which Ben has been doing all weekend) to secret codes, baseball MVP's to making a bow and arrow. The book is absolutely gorgeous, a pleasure to hold, and packed with fun things.

Backyard Baseball 2007. Ben has loved this game for years and when a new version came out just in time for summer, how could we resist? It's available for most platforms, but we got it for the GameCube. Side note: this is another example of why the Wii is so great. There are many good games for the Wii itself, but the fact that it can seamlessly play GameCube games helps fill in any gaps. We've even taken advantage of the Virtual Console to get Pac-Man and Donkey Kong!

Star Wars Mashup. Just in time for Memorial Day Weekend and the 30th anniversary of Star Wars, this unbelievable site allows the Star Wars obsessed to create their own videos by editing and combining clips from the movies. The software (completely online and platform agnostic) is flawless and simple to use. Ben was immediately captivated and has created numerous videos that are hilarious. I think just about anyone with a love for Star Wars would enjoy this. And if you're just interested in web and video technology, it's worth a look as well.

Fetch on PBS. This was our favorite new show last year and we've been waiting eagerly for the second season. It finally starts on Memorial Day. It's a fun game show that celebrates smart, well-rounded kids. We always enjoy it and usually learn a few things as well. It's a great show to watch with your kids, probably 8 and older.

Scholastic Summer Reading Buzz. This is a fantastic new program from Scholastic. Every time your child reads four books this summer, they will donate a book to a child in need. What a great way to encourage reading while also putting the focus on others. Like the big, hungry man at the all-you-can eat buffet, they don't know what they're getting into with Ben - the boy can read a mess of books during the summer! There are also book recommendations and a lot of other fun things on the site.

Father/Son trips

One of my favorite family traditions is the father/son trip. Each year since Ben was four, he and I have ventured off to a nearby city and spent 2-3 days together. These will always be some of my favorite times with him. We have so much fun together and in such a different way when it's just the two of us. Plus, Lori loves having a couple of days to relax, make all of her favorite foods, and focus on herself.

Of course, this isn't terribly original. Fathers and sons have been always taken trips together, especially camping and hunting excursions. I'm afraid the Bailey boys are more of the baseball stadium and indoor pool sort, but it's the same concept.

I'm actually just passing on this tradition from my father. When I was growing up, he had a BMW motorcycle and we took some amazing trips together; trips I can't even fathom now that I'm a parent. We drove from Michigan to Florida, Washington D.C., Cooperstown NY, and a few places in the midwest. It's hard for me to imagine being 12 years old and sitting on the back of a motorcycle for hours at a time just thinking and watching - no talking, reading, or listening to music.

Lori bought me one of my favorite t-shirts a year ago that simply says, Always Thinking. I'm sure I learned it on the back of that motorcycle.

I absolutely loved those trips. There was a fun sense of adventure and freedom to do as we pleased on our own schedule. And I couldn't help but feel very special as we carved out our own set of memories and experiences.

My trips with Ben so far have been to Austin, Houston (twice), Oklahoma City, a local state park, an Oklahoma state park, and Little Rock. You'll notice a preference for cities within driving distance of the Dallas area. The other common thread of the trips has been baseball. All of the trips have included a trip to a major league or minor league baseball game (except the state parks, of course). Ben was a complete obsessed baseball fan for a number of years, but that has already started to fade.

My favorite trips have been the most recent ones. In 2005, Ben and I went to Little Rock. We stayed downtown right on the river and could walk to most places. We spent a day at the Clinton Presidential Library, which is incredible and well worth a trip, and visited the Old State House where Clinton announced his first campaign for president and celebrated his election and re-election. We also attended a minor league baseball game, enjoyed an audio book during the drive there and back, and just had fun.

Last year's trip was truly special. We drove to Robber's Cave State Park and spent a couple of night in a very cool lodge. We went for two great hikes, but when the weather turned cold and rainy, we spent an entire day in our room playing Risk, listening to music, snacking, and talking. It was just one of those things we never make time for at home when there's always something to do or one more distraction, usually email and blogs (no offense). If you ask Ben what his favorite part of the trip was, he'll say it was the day we spent inside. Me, too.

Whether you're a mother or father and have one child or five, I highly recommend making time to take one of these trips. It can be as simple as an overnight camping trip 20 miles away or a couple of days in a hotel. Just as with a date night with your spouse, the destination is not very important - your planning, time, and focused attention says it all. 

As spring approaches, we're starting to think about our next trip. Now that Ben is rapidly approaching 12, I have an idea for something entirely new, but I can't share it here because he reads my blog every so often. It's a great comfort knowing that no matter what we do or where we go, I'm going to get to spend a few days with my favorite boy in the world.

Toys of our own

BlackBerry Orphans from the WSJ.

Some excerpts that will keep you up at night [free article]:

→ A third-grader in Rome, Ga., says he tries to tell his father to put the BlackBerry down, but can't even get his attention. "Sometimes I think he's deaf," says the 9-year-old.

→ The ninth-grade student in Port Washington, N.Y., says she has caught her parents typing emails on their Treos during her eighth-grade awards ceremony, at dinner and in darkened movie theaters.

→ His dad, private banker Ross Singletary, calls it [typing while driving] "a legit concern." He adds: "Some emails are important enough to look at en route."

→ The children of one New Jersey executive mandate that their mom ignore her mobile email from dinnertime until their bedtime. To get around their dictates, the mother hides the gadget in the bathroom, where she makes frequent trips before, during and after dinner.

→ The therapist advised that the family dinner table be an email-free zone.

→ "Even though I'm home, I'm not necessarily there."

→ Jim Balsillie, the chairman of Research In Motion [creator of the BlackBerry], says children should ask themselves, "Would you rather have your parents 20% not there or 100% not there?"

This article, written mostly in fun, is a phenomenal, frightening window into what we've become - addicts who can't let go of work and wear our busyness as a badge of honor. Notice that most of these examples involve children trying to get their parents to ignore email for just 1-2 hours in the evening. According to Research in Motion, the best our children should expect from us is 80% of our presence. We are very important people, after all.

A generation ago, we defined professional success by freedom, control and delegation. Today, professional success is measured by the number of hours, the number of emails, and the facade of indispensability.

Surely we can do better. I think we've decided that relationships and conversations are simply more trouble than they're worth, especially with our children. We have televisions in our SUV's for 15 minute drives (yes, I've seen them turned on during the neighborhood drive to school in the morning). We have Game Boys for the kids so they don't have to interact with us and we don't have to interact with them. How often do you see families waiting for a table at a restaurant - the father using his Blackberry while his son sits next to him playing his handheld. This under the guise of "going out to dinner together."

At some point, most of us considered forcing our children to put down their iPods, Game Boys, and Playstation Portables and experience life with us instead of around us.

Instead, we decided it was easier to get toys of our own.

Read the Full Article

See also: Hand on the Guitar and Present and Accounted For

The New Fall Season

Next week, my son Ben will turn 11. I find it so fascinating how each new year brings about interesting changes and challenges. At least it's fascinating if you only have one child and he or she is not yet a teenager!

With his birthday and the start of the school year, September has become our month to really think about what we could be doing different or better as parents. We usually come up with a list (yes, we do love our lists) that includes some new freedoms along with new responsibilities. Ben has such a great attitude that he loves these changes and embraces them with enthusiasm. Not always, though - when we said it would be a good idea if he served somewhere in school last year as a way of giving back, he wasn't too keen.

This year was an eclectic mix. First, we decided that he needed to be more helpful with family chores and projects. When you only have one child, it's easy to give him or her a few specific jobs, but then handle everything else yourselves (especially for impatient parents like ourselves). We started noticing that Lori and I were rushing around the house, emptying dishwashers, cleaning up counters, and organizing the garage while he relaxed on the couch because he was "done with my part." We realized that family work needed to be a team effort, so we don't create a "that's not in my job description" home.

Second, we noticed that we were spending way too much time debating and arguing about various small decisions, from when to do homework to bedtime to what to wear to church. I know this is as common as could be, but it is especially easy in one-child homes. Though these are usually very calm and sometimes interesting conversations, they eventually become exhausting. I love to debate things and he's really very good at making his case, but eventually a decision has to be made and we need to move on. We decided that he can offer his alternative plan or any reasons he thinks his idea is better, then we make the decision and the conversation is over. This is just for the day-to-day questions, not ideas for his birthday party or what sport to play this year. And many, many things are left entirely up to him.

The third thing is related to the second. Ben has been playing piano for 3 years and never misses a chance to tell us that he would stop if he could. He's extremely good at it, though, and we love the discipline of working at something regularly, the musical knowledge, and the wonderful way it challenges his mind. And, deep down, he seems to love it, too, but he's not a fan of the constant practicing. Since one of our daily debates is about piano practice, we finally decided to allow him to choose when and how long he practices. His only responsibility is to practice 3 hours each week.

He loves this, and so do we. By giving him the responsibility, he now has a sense of ownership. He is also learning to budget his time - he might have to say no to a fun activity later in the week because he's put off so much of his practice. And don't we all like to do something more when no one is telling us to do it?

The final change came from a recent Wall Street Journal article. It was about allowances (big surprise!). The point was that allowances are there to teach kids about money and responsibility, but if you only give your child enough for fun spending, and not enough to cover things like presents for friends and family, they really aren't learning much at all. Also, if they always know that mom and dad will cover those expenses, make up the difference, or give a 3-month advance when they really, really, really want something, then they're actually learning bad habits.

So this year, Ben is going to receive a larger allowance. He will have to tithe 10%, save 20%, and then the rest is up to him. Here's the catch, though. He will be using his money, and his money only, to buy birthday presents for his friends, and presents for Lori and I on birthdays, Christmas, and Mother's/Father's Day. In other words, he'll need to save and budget for things that are coming later in the year, or for big ticket items he hopes to get. In the end, he'll have about the same amount of money to spend on whatever he wants as he does now, he'll just be responsible for more. It will be very interesting to see just how generous he is with gifts when it's his own money.

What's funny so far is that Ben is doing great with these things - it's Lori and I that are struggling to stay consistent and not take the path of least resistence.

Finally, there were other signs of Ben getting older this fall: he got glasses for the first time and attended his first wedding. The pictures tell the tale. During the wedding, I pointed out to Lori that if Ben got married at the same age we did, we'd be attending his wedding in 10 years! Bonus advice: This is not something most mothers want to hear.

Yes, I know that Ben's glasses only add to the whole Mini-Me thing we got going on. And yes, I know that Lori is one incredibly beautiful woman!

Be sure to share any cool parenting ideas - I'd love to hear them!

Present and Accounted For

I think one of the reasons I enjoying parenting so much is there is always more to learn. There are new challenges around every corner. Since your child is constantly growing and changing, the brilliant parenting revelation you had yesterday may be useless today. O.K...that doesn't sound like a lot of fun, but it is...really.

Here's something I've learned over this summer: taking Ben somewhere is not the same as going with him somewhere. Taking Ben to the movies is not the same as going with Ben to the movies. I'm not referring to whether I drop him off or stay physically, I'm talking about whether I'm actually there when I stay.

All of us have a sense of parental guilt - we want to be the best parents we can be and we usually think we're falling short. The most obvious way to meet the minimum parenting requirement is to do things with our kids.

Here's where we so often go wrong. In modern America, spending time with our children is just another way of saying take them someplace. It could be the park down the street, the neighborhood pool, a water park, ballpark, fast food restaurant, ice cream shop, mall, movie theatre, friend's house, toy store, or even vacation. There is absolutely nothing inherently wrong with any of these things, and Ben and I have had great fun doing all of them. Many of these excursions, though, are just the path of least resistance - in other words, lazy parenting. It's the parental equivalent of a bad diet. Are the kids having fun? Of course. Did they want to go see a movie? Certainly. Does that mean we should have burgers and fries for dinner every night? Uh, no.

Somehow, we think we've fulfilled our parental obligation by just driving our children from one place to another. Some of the most neglected kids are never more than 5 feet from a parent, but the parent isn't really there. How many bored children have you seen in the backseat of a car while a parent talks on the cell phone? Naturally, we've come up with a solution to this problem - we've put televisions in the car. Now, everyone can coexist without the risk of interacting.

I'm amazed at often I see a parent pull up to a park, get out with the kids, send them to the playground, and then sit on a bench and talk on a cell phone (or read email) until it's time to leave. The interaction consists of a couple of hand motions, a head shake, and a "C'mon, it's time to go." It's as if we're padding our parental resumes:

June 2005 - August 2006 Led over 20 outdoor excursions to local family-friendly destinations.

Even funnier (well, not really) is that these same outings are then used as an excuse for more bad parenting when we get home. "Why don't you watch a movie or something. I need a break after spending all morning at the park."

I can take Ben to a baseball game, have a "good time", and even buy him a $5 ice cream sandwich, and never truly interact with him. I can go for a long walk and spend the entire time thinking about work. It is so easy to fake being a good parent. How many times have I stared at the computer screen, appearing to listen to his latest story idea? And how often have I gladly allowed him to watch one more show or play one more video game because it's a lot easier than actually pouring myself into him.

The lengthy resume isn't the measure of a good parent. It's the letters of recommendation from the ones who you taught and loved and walked alongside, each and every day.